…about my fears

I think our childhood defines us a lot more than we realize. When I was younger, my personality was somewhat vague and primarily defined by my confusion of the world around me. As I’ve gotten older, I can see how the concrete is drying and defining my personality for the long-term. And there are some things that I need to fix before it’s too late.

I’ve had a rather strange and solitary childhood, which has manifested itself primarily as an awkwardness with people I don’t know. I don’t like large gatherings, I feel uncomfortable with strangers, and it can be difficult to discuss not-so-pleasant topics with people. At least that’s how I used to be. Over the last year, I’ve made a conscious effort to change. It’s not that I want to be someone else, it’s that I want to be comfortable with who I am.

The shy, introvert Arthur pisses the hell out of me!

I feel like I am already a different person, and I absolutely love it! The feeling is incredibly addicting. Yet, I realize that I am still not where I want to be. While I have make huge strides in how I feel around other people, I still have a problem with hurting people’s feelings. It’s something that I don’t like to talk about because it makes me seem weak, but being open about it is the only way it’s going to get fixed. See, I have this habit oh trying very hard to phrase things in ways that would minimize any chance of hurting someone’s feelings. It comes from a childhood insecurity that makes me scared that if I say something hurtful, that person won’t like me anymore. It’s incredibly stupid and simplistic, but it’s been embedded into me. It all comes down to:

1. Not hurting anyone’s feelings
2. Not making someone feel inferior by asking them to do something (even if it’s an employee)
3. Not coming off as cocky or self-serving

This has become my primary focus. I am making an active effort to make the phone calls I try to avoid and give the bad news that I try to delay. I’m not trying to hurt people’s feelings, but I am trying not to care if someone takes what I say the wrong way. I have goals that, unfortunately, aren’t going to happen on their own. The bigger I make my goals, the more people that it’s going to take and the more I have to take charge.  You know what? The phone calls are never as bad as I dreaded they would be, and people are a lot more understanding than I give them credit for.

Inevitably, I sometimes instinctively still act like the old Arthur, but then I ask myself: What would Rahm Emanuel do? That always does' the trick!